2010 ‘The Ferm’ Anything Mock Draught - Round 3 - Open Thread

5/17/10 8:27 PM
For reference, below is the order for the 3rd round.

1. Mr. Smokeypants
2. J.R. Ewing (@longhorndave)
3. Two Pints (@pig1ett2000)
4. K Dub (@K_Dub_02)
5. The Ferm (@DosBeerigos)
6. Leslie (@LesNor11)
7. SirRon (@sirrong)


3rd Round Pick Index:

1. (15) Mr. Smokeypants: Whiskey
2. (16) J.R. Ewing: Tedeschi Vineyards at Ulupalakua Ranch
3. (17) Two Pints: Mini Cocktail Umbrellas
4. (18) K Dub: Burping
5. (19) The Ferm of DosBeerigos.com: Taco Bell
6. (20) Crawford (from Leslie): Nick Nolte's mugshot
7. (21) SirRon: MoreBeer
   

Round 2 Recap

1. Mr. Smokeypants
   Foam in the Dome
   
   
   
   
   
2. J.R. Ewing
   Bill "The Fox" Foster
   
   
   
   
   
3. Two Pints
   Dallas (TV Series)
   
   
   
   
   
4. K Dub
   Upright Brewing Company
   
   
   
   
   
5. The Ferm of DosBeerigos.com
   Cigar City Brewing Company
   
   
   
   
   
6. Alexander (via Leslie)
   Meritage
   
   
   
   
   
7. SirRon
   Kitchen Stadium
   
   
   

5/17/10 8:28 PM
Mr. Smokeypants is on the clock.

5/24/10 8:00 AM
With American Craft Beer Week behind us, let's get back to the mock draught.

5/26/10 10:23 AM
With the 15th pick in the 2nd Annual 2010 "The Ferm" Anything Mock Draught, Mr. Smokeypants selects... Whiskey

Chalmun at the Cantina is tired of me bumming off the Norris tab at happy hour.
So, I’ll finally draft a DRINK.
Whiskey for everyone. On me. Screw you, wookie. Now it’s free, behatch.

Though I don't always drink whiskey, when I do, I prefer bourbon (among many, a great friend has been Knob Creek: Drink Life Deeply).
Nevertheless, whether it’s Scotch, Irish, Tennessee, or even Canadian (meh), I’ll take it on the rocks.
Straight up, that works too. Especially in a flask. Just remember to screw that top on tight.
Add water, fine.
Soda, I’ll bleepin kill you, fool. No, I’m just kiddin. Seriously, I will rip your arm out of its socket.

With this diverse member of the team, I’m also taking dibs on Willie Nelson’s fabled Whiskey River and the band Whiskeytown (that means you, Ryan Adams).

And I’ve still got 2 prospects on my draught board. Score. Till next year, stay drinky my friends.

5/26/10 2:15 PM
J.R. Ewing is on the clock.

5/26/10 7:41 PM
With the 16th pick in the 2nd Annual 2010 "The Ferm" Anything Mock Draught, J.R. Ewing selects... Tedeschi Vineyards at Ulupalakua Ranch

Having brought in some solid beer and liquor prospects into the fold, it was time to find someone to play the wine position. I admit I'm not a flavor connoisseur, so my pick will lean more toward intangibles, such as location, location, location. Look no further than the Tedeschi Vineyards at Ulupalakua Ranch, Maui, Hawaii. If you go to Maui and read this blog, it's a must stop. The tasting room is open 7 hours a day, 7 days a week. Three free tours a day as well, it sucks when you get to your favorite vineyard and are locked out. It's in the "upcountry", which is code for "the beautiful hills heading up to the volcano peak". The draft intangibles are oozing. It's 2000 feet from sea level, which means cooler temps and nice breezes (temps don't vary from summer to winter much). Yet minutes from the beautiful beaches of Maui. And 20,000 acres, I say, 20,000 acres of Hawaiian land with a beautiful view. Can't beat that with a 3rd round pluck.

5/26/10 8:38 PM
Two Pints is on the clock.

6/2/10 5:14 PM
With the 17th pick in the 2nd Annual 2010 "The Ferm" Anything Mock Draught, Two Pints selects... Mini Cocktail Umbrellas

That’s right, I'm snatching up those cute little umbrellas they put in tropical drinks to hold down chunks of fruit and whatnot. How cool are these? They even open and close! One night SirRon and I were having dinner at a restaurant when we spotted my old boyfriend from high school across the bar. This toolbox -- the same boy who notified me that we broke up by making out with his new g/f in the hallway between classes -- is drinking a pink girly drink with a tiny umbrella in it. After catching our breath from all the laughing, we each took a hit off our own drinks, which happened to be served in his and her Buddha and Geisha containers. We decided two things that day: We are glad he holds the title of "ex", and (more importantly) tiny umbrellas are the S*!#.

My final pick of the 2010 Anything Mock Draught is in honor of those adorable tiny umbrellas. I dedicate this to anyone who is man/woman enough to order a fru-fru decorated tropical drink.

Cheers! ...And you can stand under my under my mini umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh) Under my mini umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)...

6/2/10 7:56 PM
K-Dub is on the clock.

6/3/10 11:37 AM
With the 18th pick in the 2nd Annual 2010 "The Ferm" Anything Mock Draught, K-Dub selects... Burping.

What...is...up? How could I forget one of my favorite adult beverage consumption side activities, BURPING. Drinking carbonated beverages often times results in consuming....well....carbonated gas. And while I enjoy processing said carbonated product, I typically prefer to remove as much as possible through the age old classic of mouth evacuating said gas. Also known as belching, ructus and eructation, burping is fun, enjoyable, and often times humorous. Although often seen as an impolite act in the United States, in other parts of the world belching is considered a compliment to the host. So celebrate other cultures around the planet and open one's mind to wide world of burping, because farting stinks.

6/3/10 3:46 PM
The Ferm from DosBeerigos.com is on the clock.

6/3/10 4:28 PM
With the 19th pick in the 2nd Annual 2010 "The Ferm" Anything Mock Draught, The Ferm from DosBeerigos.com selects... Taco Bell.

Wait....what does Taco Bell have to do with drinking? I think the real question is what doesn't Taco Bell have to do with drinking. Taco Bell is wonderful drunk food at an affordable price. Who doesn't love the Open till 4am sign after a long night of Boozing. ForthMeal should be an official meal especially while drinking. Now if they only delivered....that would be magical. The sober person in the room will have to do for deliveries until Taco bell realizes what they are missing out on.

There is even a Facebook Group for Drunk Taco Bell Eating!

Here is to Taco Bell, helping to fill my tummy with food after a long night of drinking.

6/3/10 4:35 PM
Leslie is on the clock.

6/6/10 10:35 PM
Leslie relinquishes her final pick to Crawford for a Neil Diamond Greatest Hits CD.

6/6/10 10:36 PM
Crawford is on the clock.

6/7/10 10:48 AM

Kids! Apparently two blog posts does not a team member make. Although I didn’t get a 2010 Anything Mock Draught invite, I have been reading that Leslie’s picks can be bought very inexpensively. (See that Specs, Leslie is not cheap, she is inexpensive. Not that I am trying to say that Leslie, the person, can be bought, or that if she could it would be for a trivial amount of money. I have never even met Leslie. Apparently she is some breakfast cereal ad wiz in New York City. I wonder if after a late night cranking out cereal commercials if she ever hits a diner and has breakfast for dinner. Nothing like a little reversal satire! Ha ha ha!)

Why exactly has the diner concept not really caught on outside of the Northeast/New England area? The diverse, inexpensive, 100+ item menus are ideal for patrons at any stage of hunger. Not to mention the fact they are nearly perfect meals after those casual evening “meetings” go long into the night. Speaking of long meetings, I’m reminded of recent weekend energy conference I attended in Denver. On Friday evening, a colleague and I broke away from the HVAC tour of Pespi Center to instead grab a steak at Denver Chophouse & Brewery. If you have seen one variable air volume energy recovery unit with integrated active sensing controls and an enthalpy wheel, you have seen them all.

Readers, I will never see a dime from the Denver Chophouse & Brewery for this advertisement, but I want to tell you that the next time your work takes you to Denver, you have to drop by for a remarkable steak and their impressive house beers. We overindulged in both, left a hefty tip, and headed to the legendary Wynkoop Brewing Company. According to their ads in the airport, newspaper, train stops, billboards, hotel, cab, back of their menu, etc., Wynkoop is Colorado’s first brewpub. Readers, I will never see a dime from Wynkoop for this advertisement, but I want to tell you that the next time your work takes you to Denver, there are much better places to find beer and food than the Wynkoop. Oye. It seriously took three or four pints to find something that was not off-putting. However, Wynkoop does have a really great pool hall on the second floor of the building. Once up there, we gravitated toward the shuffleboard tables. As my daughter would say, I pwned that shuffleboard table. The establishment also had something they called an Internet Jukebox on the second floor (I assume that means there are not any records inside). I am not really sure how an Internet Jukebox works, but I know if you put a Jackson up in that thing, you can play Neil Diamond’s greatest hits all night long. America.

Fresh off an immense winning feeling from shuffleboarding, and just a little sweaty, my loser colleague and I decided to hit up one more bar before calling it a night. ESPN Zone would have been a great option, but apparently they keep Mickey Mouse hours. A street folk of questionable character suggested we go to Coyote Ugly. I seem to remember a movie by the same name. Like Showgirls with a bar setting, I believe. I hoped the Ugly would have a pool table or a dart board so I could put another beat down on my colleague.

On the way, we belt out an impressive a capella interpretation of Sweet Caroline (chorus only, of course). Coyote Ugly is located on the second floor of an open-air mall-like building. To get there, we step on an outdoor escalator that was reminiscent of the ones in the Washington D.C. subway system (non-travelers, this means it was really long). I start another perfect pitched “Sweeeeeet Car-ooo-liiiinne” and my colleague screams the loudest, drunkest, echoing “bah bah bah baaaaaah” you could imagine. Good times never seem so good, friends. Unfortunately our performance had caught the attention of a few cops. By the looks on their faces, I could tell they had not enjoyed our beautiful noise.

The ride to the top felt like minutes, because literally this was one of the tallest, slowest escalators I have ever been on. I certainly would not be passing a field sobriety test this night, but I also was no menace to society. I remember thinking, “This can’t be happening. I can’t get arrested. What will my coworkers think? What will my family think? This is not how I want to be remembered.”

Kids, Crawford is not afraid of getting arrested. If I were ever to get arrested, I want to it to be spectacular. Not after shuffleboarding at the Wynpoop on the way to see a bar where they promote their dancers but call themselves “Ugly.” When I file my first photo with the authorities, I want it to be a good one.

With the 20th pick in the 2nd Annual 2010 "The Ferm" Anything Mock Draught, Crawford selects... Nick Nolte's mugshot.

After what must have been a heck of a good time, California Highway Patrol scooped up Actor Nick Nolte on September 11, 2002. Kids, I am certainly not advocating driving under the influence (I prefer to drink at home because I have better stuff). What I am saying is that if I were to get picked up, I want my mugshot to be a proper representation of the time I had before getting arrested. When I see Nick's mugshot, I can fill in the blanks on how his night went without being given the backstory. That night in Denver, I had on a button-up Polo shirt, my hair was still in place, and my shuffleboard perspiration was nearly dry. I was in no condition for a mugshot picture.

Nick Nolte's mugshot even has its own Twitter feed! Kids, if you are going to dream... dream big.

(in case you were wondering, the fuzz just sent us back down the escalator. *whew*)

6/7/10 11:04 AM
SirRon is on the clock.

6/8/10 2:59 PM

In 1996, around the time of my 21st birthday, Two Pints and I stumbled upon a beer making kit in the appliance/gadget section of a department store.

Hold up, you can make beer in a plastic barrel?!

Why had no one told me about the loophole that you buy beer ingredients at any age… because it isn’t alcohol yet?!

This. Changes. Everything.

I purchased the Mr. Beer Deluxe Edition kit for ~$30-$40 and headed home to begin cheating the system.

Brewing: Clean the 2 gallon plastic barrel and parts, assemble, partially fill with water, open can raw beer stuff, pour in a pot, add some sugar, boil with water, pour into plastic barrel, sprinkle yeast packet on top, place under the sink. Blam! The chances of this actually being beer are slim to none.

Bottling: Seven days later… Complete 28th fist bump with roommate RE: making beer at home, clean 1 quart plastic Mr. Beer bottles and caps, add sugar to each bottle, fill bottles using the convenient spigot on the plastic barrel, screw cap on, put bottles back under the sink, taste what is left in the barrel, comment that kind of tastes like beer.

Carbonation: Squeeze the bottles several times a day, fist bump with roommate the first time one of the bottles becomes hard to squeeze, put the first hard bottle in the fridge for “quality control,” remove fruit and milk from the refrigerator to make room, place all bottles in fridge after seven days. Thank you sweet baby gods of beer! This tastes almost like a real beer!

Fast forward to sometime between the celebrated and the real turn of the millennium, I had sidelined my brewing career for several years. By this time I had graduated from The University of Texas, moved to Houston, gotten married, and took a job working for The Man. While moving apartments, I came across my old Mr. Beer plastic barrel and accessories. My recipe cans were all way past their expiration date (I checked), but a quick Google search indicated that you can still buy recipe mixes… which of course I did. I few batches into my resurrected Mr. Beer career, I was ready to take this hobby to another notch. Brewing in the Mr. Beer plastic barrel reminded me too much of college. I had a job now. I could afford much better beer.

One fateful day of surfing the web at work, I typed "brew beer home" into Google. Apparently homebrewing had a counterculture I was completely unaware existed! I retired my Mr. Beer 2-gallon system that day.

Before I make my pick, I want to give a shout out to DeFalcos (who sold me my first *real* homebrewing starter kit) and Austin Homebrew (one of my favorite mail order stores when I want something delivered quick). However...

With the 21st and FINAL pick in the 2nd Annual 2010 "The Ferm" Anything Mock Draught, SirRon selects... MoreBeer.com.

For my final pick in this draught, I’m selecting the largest, arguably the greatest, and the most respected homebrewing supply shop in the World. I am a kid and MoreBeer is my candy store.

When I talk about homebrewing to those unfamiliar with the craft, I often get asked: “Is it cheaper to make it at home?” I suppose that theoretically it could be less expensive, but it isn’t in my experience. (I wonder how many people pick up hobbies to save money anyway.) Like most of us who haven’t successfully convinced the corner store clerk to give him the correct pin numbers to the multi-state Powerball reserve fund, I have sunk thousands of my unquestionably tapped financial resources in this hobby. Like all hobbies, the payoff is in more than just the final result. (Make no mistake, the final result is almost always quite enjoyable.)

Four years ago, after saving unsuccessfully for years, I took my hobby up several notches and purchased a BrewSculpture from MoreBeer. A BrewSculpture is like a mini-brewhouse and is genuinely a functional work of art. The system has fully digital microprocessor controls, my friends. My B3 1550 may not necessarily enhance my zymurlogical exploits, but it surely makes them a good deal nerdier, only like in a totally awesome way. My neighbors may not know it, but on brew day I’m undoubtedly the coolest person on the block. Thanks MoreBeer. Cheers!

6/8/10 3:47 AM
The 2010 TheFerm.org Anything Mock Draught is complete.