Countdown (served 05/22/09)

This countdown was prepared last week, but I didn't want to interrupt the elegant repetition that was the American Craft Beer Week posts... then I got lazy.

Speaking of repetition… how about the preface.

Countdown is a list of news items, videos, or just ruminations that involve imbibing or are just more entertaining with an adult beverage. After all, life is life, but talking about it with a drink makes it more interesting. Feel free to sound off on any of the topics in the comment section.

5) *Knock Knock* Candygram! Wait. I-I'm Only a Dolphin, Ma'am

A dolphin? Well...okay.

Nope, LANDSHARK!

The Miami Dolphin's just landed themselves on The Ferm's banned list after inking a deal with Jimmy Buffett for the naming rights to Dolphin Stadium. Those of us at The Ferm don't have anything against Margaritas (well, TwoPints has a self-inflicted aversion), but Anheuser-Busch InBev products are to be avoided whenever possible. Buffett, who in some way just licenses the A-B brewed LandShark Lager since I'm sure there is no brewery in Margaritaville, will work for free to pay off the licensing deal.

I guess I need to toss my Ricky Williams jersey.

4) Meat + Beer + Money ~ Daughter?

Mr. Marcelino de Jesus Martinez will soon be wasting away somewhere other than Margaritaville.

His plan seemed sound on paper. He had a daughter... he likes beer, meat, and money... he found a buyer. Bingo, Bango, it's a deal!

Ahh, but even the best laid plans of mice and men can often go awry. Mr. Martinez had (clearly) no choice but to call the cops when his buyer failed to cough the cash... a week after the transaction went down! I mean seriously, what does Marcelino look like sir, a bank?

Having a daughter myself, I'm appalled by this story. While I too like meat and beer, I prescribe to the Chinese proverb:

Give away your daughter for meat and beer, you eat and drink for a day.
Teach your daughter to get groceries and homebrew, you eat and drink for a lifetime.

3) The Free Beer Platform

We are down with free beer here at The Ferm. That is why we are throwing all our resources behind Kim Schroeder's campaign for the Vice President of the Milwaukee Teachers' Education Association. Kim has made "free beer" part of his platform. Genius. Good luck dude!

2) Do I Detect Some Urea in This Wine?

What's does it take to craft a world famous, top selling sauvignon blanc? Cutting edge agriculture, precise fermentation techniques, and a winning combination of sweet and sweaty passion fruit, asparagus, and cat's pee flavors. New Zealand scientists spent six years and whatever $12m converts to American dollars to isolate the defining flavors that make the sauvignon blanc wines of the Wairarapa region so special... and also proving wine reviews are mostly garbage.

1) Wait, Not Beer Reviews As Well!

Calm down wine snobs, there is a whole subculture of beer snobs that have adopted your smarmy pseudo-connoisseur attitudes. It is probably a website publishing no-no to direct readers away from your site, but Bill at the blog "It's Pub Night" has put together a great Beer Review Generator that satirizes how pretentious beer reviews have gotten (click on over to Beer Advocate for some examples).

But admittedly, the review generator can be tormenting to even the casual beer writer as well. I no doubt had it in mind throughout my 7 day reviews during American Craft Beer Week. And while I was going to tweet soon about how awesome Undercover Investigation Shut-Down Ale (it is dee-lish y'all), instead I will provide an auto-review:

Pours a vivid orange with a nine-inch head. Sexy lacing. Beautiful spicy aroma, and I also get some sour milk and strawberry. Amazing catty taste, with overtones of bubblegum and forward alcohol. Elegant mouthfeel and long finish. Score: 4.40/5.

Brilliant.